Hey its ashley and i have my own individual link now
come join meeeee!
Hey its ashley and i have my own individual link now
come join meeeee!
Hey Hey Hey! I really wnat to thank everyone o much for the support a few days ago, you all have such inspirational words! I needed the courage to stand up to ED and tell him that I shouldn’t listen to my mother, but I should listen to my body, and to what it wants. Not ED. Thanks again, it really helped me to do so and i feel much more comfortable knowing I have all of you amazing ladies helping me out! I know this title sounds a bit depressing, but I keep on repeating this line over and over again in my mind. Why? Well yesterday, my sisters and mother went to a doctors appointment when I went to play practice:). I normally never hear anything about me but to keep up the good work. Fine with me but this time was different. I came home, prepared a yummy dinner but my dad (the spoiler) always gets mad when I tell him I don’t know my weight. Of course he was like “Well I’m going to tell you anyway!” Ughhh! Whyyyy! I would have to face it sooner or later anyway. Instead of telling me my weight he told me that I weigh more then Ashley! Was that necessary? Why the comparison? Now, this means I am 6-8 pounds away from my goal weight! I guess this is a good thing but I have no idea what to do! I am allowed to exercise, but I’m resisting for some reason, I think it’s because I have no idea where to start? I have cut back a bit like my mom told me to do, even though i am still getting hungry! But my mom told me that if i keep continuing what i’m eating, I’m going to be 200 lbs by JUNE! What is wrong with my parents?!? My goodness, haha. I ignored it because the doctor says he wanted me to slowly gain the last lbs within the next 4 months. Not quite sure how this is going to go, I’m really scared it’s going to come on quicker then they hope.
So, Breakfast this morning was a bit difficult, I am always so used to my eggs with a sandwich or some kind of heavy carb. My mom told me to cut back so I did. I had 2 eggs scrambled with garlic, sun dried tomatoes and spinach. Then I used Katie’s suggestion for chocolate oats! They were scrumptious! Your so right, the butter makes it, thanks love<3
Topped with peanut butter and crushed walnuts!
After breakfast it was school time! I wanted to feel good about myself, knowing the weight I am at and how terrible I felt yesterday, I needed the boost of confidece! I wore one of my pre ED pair of jeans! They fit great, not to tight, not too loose! I did some hair straightening and brushing of my pearly whites😉 haha. I felt great! I felt like I had a whole new glow about me and my mom even told me I looked so great. It felt amazzing! I hope we can all feel this way one day and find that seperate peace within ourselves. We can do this ladies.
Lunch was so different and yuummmy! I was is lovve, I had a wrap filled with my new Thai Ginger Peanut butter, sliced cabbage, garlic chicken, grated carrot and roasted red peppers! Perfection, Thai Chicken Wrap!
After School Snack:
Chobani mixed with coconut, go lean crunch and 2 small chocolate chip cookies. Also a slice of cinnamon raisin bread with pb mixed with pumpkin ad a heated banana.
My mom and I attempted to bake some sweet potato bread, but I was too distracted from my brother getting into Arcadia that I miss measured the flour and other important ingredients ahaha. Silly me! It still came out pretty good, not going to lie. I have been waiting to find a recipe that makes like real bread that I could use for a sandwich like almond butter and cinnamon ricotta cheese on sweet potato bread! Ahh, I fantasize the day I will make that sandwich🙂
Dinner was soo good! Something I have not eaten in so long, homemade soup! With BREAD! During my ED I would really try and skimp on the meat and beans and only eat the veggies nd brother but whats soup without all the meat and beans! Really, and some grated Parmesan. My mom made white bean turkey meatball vegtable soup (containing white beans, turkey meat balls, carrots, zuchinni, spinach, tomato and many other veggies!) Side of 2 slices of garlic oval bread!
Snack will probably be some sweet potato bread with almond butter and a side of cottage cheese mixed with flax seed and walnuts? Maybe🙂
I hope all of you lovely ladies are doing well and are planning a fun weekend. My dress arrived today for sohp hop! This saturday! ahh i’m so nervous but it will be a REAL high school experience and I will let myself enjoy being in the company of friends and wearing a snazzy dress🙂
Happy to be alive, loved, and surrounded by people in my life that I love and appreciate. Remindng myself to live in the moment.
Hey guys, its ashley. Yeah suprise suprise, i ahvent been here in so long. I cant even begin to explain everything that is going on right now. I have so much to tell you guys good and bad. Ill start on a lighter note with some veryexciting postive things
First off and most importantly, I GOT MY PERIOD! Yes Ashley who has been malnourshed for 2 years and has never though shed wake up on s sunday morning to cramps and a lovely surprise of HEALTH. I am so extremly enlighted by this matter. I cant even explain all the thoughts going through my head about how different my life would be now. This means everything to me especially, freedom. Well, it didnt quite turn out this way. You may think my parents would be happy too right? Nope. Not even a little. First reaction was mom, “hey mom, can you come look at this” Looks at “it”, Me:”I think its my period! (:” “oh, well your still not where you need to be.” Not a hug, just words of doubt. Doubt, that word has been floating around latley. ill explain later. Second reaction Dad: “Theres something wrong, somethings not right, your lying” Wait reallllllly? How on earth could i lie, i mean, i have proof! All this time throughout my recovery my parents have always said how HAPPY they would be the day i got my period and it would be a huge milestone and such and they thought something was wrong! I was deeply affected by this. Why on earth do they doubt me so much? This is what i asked my mom and she said its because I eat the same things all the time. Wow, really? Why do parents have to be so picky! Like im on my way to health and I havent been excersisng which is extremly hard and my mom complains that im an oatmeal addict (hehe) and just because i dont eat rice and pasta she cant believe im doing better. Ugh! so frusterating, I do feel like i challenge myself, no measuring, eating a carb at every meal including snacks, no excersise! Wow i dont know what else i could do. This is so frusterating because all day they compare my to brooke and just put me down which makes me feel horrible. They dont understand the huge leaps i have taken and now I actually have proof im getting healthy and all they can focus on is a number. If im not 100 than nothing is okay. Gosh, im not even doing a good job at explaining the grief and sorrow this puts me through that all they care about is a stupid number. Im so sick of hearing that brooke is so much better than me blah blah blah they just compare me to her all the time and its very annoying. Yes brooke is doing absolutly supurb but instead of putting me down why dont you simply ask whats wrong? Why am i eating the same food all the time? Instead of yelling at me and telling me id never be able to survive outside of my “bubble” im in. Besides there words of discouragement, I have been the happiest Ive been in 2 years. I have been loving my body, my grades are getting better, my boyfriend is amazing (: and my friends are great too. The only thing holding me back is my family. Another problem is Brooke. She hates me, doesnt talk to me, doesnt look at me. Why? I have no clue. I wish she would just tell me when she is annoyed with what im doing or something. I feel like she always hates what im doing. Im beginning to ramble arent i hah. I guess its just ive been so frusterated with my parents because in my mind, i feel ed has disappeared and they feel his rearing his head up again. There is no way im letting him take control of my health and my friendships. Im happy. So why cant my parents just accept it?
Sorry for the ramble, i ahve some foodie updates lataaa!
Hey guys, this is going to be a really quick post because i’m in school but i’m having a rough day and kind of need some support. I woke up this morning, in a perfectly fine mood, bright and smiley as usual, besides the fact my alarm clock woke me up late! I was excited to finally go to play practice after the cancelations to due the snow. So, I went down stares to begin to prepare breakfast, planning on something yummy and creative🙂 Maybe a Peanut butter and strawberry sandwich with my usual eggs, veggies and ham? Sounded good to me! Then Mama came down and told me she had to weigh me. I am always fine with weigh ins, i never look at the scale anyway so what’s the big deal right? I got undressed, jumped on the scale, Mom says”Ok”. All done, I put my clothes on and back in the kitchen I went without even thinking about my weight. Then I pulled out my eggs and I told asked my mom “What kind of sandwich do you think I should make with my eggs?” She says, “Your SERIOUSLY going to eat that much?” I had no idea how to respond, I’ve eaten MUCH more than this on other days for breakfast so why is she saying this. She did the SAME thing the other day to me but I just let it go. I said,”Well what do you mean?” I started to get so self concious and didn’t know what to do. She says, ” Why are going to eat that much, just make up for it later.” I was silent. I had no idea what to say, I have an eating disorder mom what is that supposed to mean! Am I eating to much, am I ganing to much weight at the time? What is going on. I ended up having my sandwich with only 2 eggs and a few veggies. No big deal, but what was wrong. Why is she doing this almost every day?
Sorry if this was long and kind of stupid but I really have no idea what I’m going to do if she says this to me one more time. I know my metabolism has no sped up but I just want to be healthy again. I’m in school and feeling soo self concious and like i can’t do this anymore. Also, my sister got her peiod back and I was really upset about that the other day because I know her intake is still low and she has been exercizing.
Why does it have to be this way! This is not me.
hey guys. I went shopping for dresses today for my sophomore dance and found a pretty cute one! Besides the fact I don’t have a date, I really want to be able to enjoy a school dance because i feel like my ED hasn’t really allowed me to have that real high school experience. I guess it was really difficult for me to try dresses on because i haven’t really seen myself with a “real” body in a long time. But I’m never like this!! I tried to embrace the fact I looked very healthy but it was hard with Ed yelling comments while I was staring in the dressing room mirror. Each time I would leave a store I tried to let go of the effect that I felt like my jeans were to tight etc.. I am recovering for a purpose. Even though my sister is still struggling and it really effects me, I have to continue to move forward in my recovery. I ignored the bad feelings and kept them all bottled up inside me which was defiantly not the best idea.
Check out Averie’s Naturally Nutty Giveaway!
Breakfast this morning was difficult to choose because I had so many ideas in my mind but Ed was forcing me to count. I did so well yesterday and remembered how GREAT it felt to not count or anything so i pushed Ed aside and went for one of my creations… forgot my eggs picture! 2 scrambled pumpkin eggs, 2 soy sesame eggs and 2 slices of turkey ham.
Oatmeal mixed with a melted banana(Thanks Vanilla Swirl It came out deliishh!) topped with vanilla almonds, melted hazlenut toffee chocolate and almond butter.
I guess after breakfast is where the feelings started to occur, I felt over whelmed because I had what I wanted but how come I’ve never felt like this before? Why was it all of the sudden so overwhelming
Off to the mall we went! Although I hate packing lunches and snacks on weekends, I really had no other choice but here was what I packed…
Mexican Salad, containing chicken cooked with chilli powder and garlic powder, lettuce,tomato, mexican cheese, sour cream mixed with salsa for a dressing. Side of new Whole Foods Chilli Lime tortilla chips with White Bean Hummus and Kalamata Olive Hummus (this stuffs amazing!)
Yogurt mixed with cottage cheese, raw oats,flax, walnuts, blueberries and cinnamon topped with coconut and almond butter (this tasted like a legit blueberry muffin!) Side of butter snap pretzels and cinnamon strudel crisps.
Into the mall the mall we went. They had some really cute stores but by far my favorite was Harry & Davids! I bought possibly the most interesting peanut butter EVER. Thai Ginger! It was freaking awesome! I tried all of the sample dips and my favorite was probably the pineapple chutney! It was sweet and spicy and scrumptious.
So after trying on about 1000 dresses and walking in the freezing cold we were all so cranky! My mom decided to take us home and I completely regret not buy this one dress I tried on. I actually felt confident in it compared to all the other dresses I tried on but I’m going to call tomorrow to see if I can get it shipped!
By the time we got home I was pretty hungry! Even after snacking on all of the dips and such on top of my meals I was happy to see there was still room left in me. So for dinner I made exactly what I craved.
Yup, you got it ANOTHER sweet potato! I am officially obsessed. One half had cinnamon almond butter and butter but I had to try my new peanut butter so I topped the other half with Thai Ginger peanut butter and I was in heaven!
However, right after dinner I had a bazillion thoughts racing in my mind about calories, my sister, my body image and mostly ED’s deceitful ways. I feel like ED had forced me not to count calories because I am not getting in enough! I have been so happy and successful since I began recovery, so why let ED get to me this way.
I decided to go and take a stress relieving shower but all of the sudden I broke down. I stared at myself in the mirror and heard stupid comments running in my mind and I broke. I had to let this go, I couldn’t let ED stop me now, theres no way. Instead of isolating myself I immediately ran to my #1 supporter, my mom. She helped me alot. Even though I had no idea what was wrong and neither did she, she talked me through it and made me realized how great I really am doing. She even told me that my father and her had discussed how much of an improvement they see in me and how happy they are to see my as their daughter again. For so long I felt like they had disowned me for what I was doing to myself, but now I realize they care and love me! I too am seeing my old happy lovong personalities come out in me again and at that moment, instead of letting ED get to me, this breakdown made me stronger. I realized how FAR I had come and how much FURTHER I have to go.
Life is a never ending journey, full of ups and downs. The only path that I choose is to move forward.
Today is THE day I can officially say I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, HOW much I wanted and feel 0% guilt. I did not count a single calorie, carb, fat or anything but instead i tasted and tried all of our new foods we bought(Trader Joes and Whole Foods!) on top of all my regular meals and snacks. I feel GREAT! I have never felt like this in such a long time, today I had no bloating, rashes, weird bowl movements. I feel like a whole different person. I was hungry and my body was craving specific foods and how could I deny that?
So I’ll start off with breakfast! We boiled turnips the other night and I figured I would make something different with my eggs and create a type of turnip hash.
Oh boy this was muy muy muy fabuloso! I thought of the hash idea from when i used to make sweet potato pinapple and ham hash yumm. This one contained diced ham, turnips, spinach, sundried tomatoes drzzled with olive oil and 2 dipped eggs on top. Egg omlet with spinach, sundried tomatoes and pumpkin:) Pumpernickel Bread ! my old time favorite one slice with cream cheese seasoned with garlic powder and the other with butter and cinnamon. Perfect for a snowy morning.
The snow was crazy today! So happy we had off from school and my sisters and I were able to play in the snow. My sister made a massive snow ball the size of like 3 people haha. It was lots of fun but then it started to get extremley windy so I went in to make lunch but unforuntaly the beauty went unpictured!
Lunch: 2 slices of Jalapeno Cheddar bread with velvetta, roast beef, fresh tomato, garlic and avocado. Side salad of cabbage, eggplant, bok choy and chicken with ginger and garlic.
After Lunch we went shopping! First we went to whole foods and I was soo excited! We bought so many delicious goodies such as Chobani, Genisoy cinnamon strudel and chocolate crisps (amazing!), Endangered Species mint chocolate bar and hazelnut toffee chocolate bars, Olive hummus, White Bean hummus, 10 pack of variety Think Thin bars! Next came Trader Joe’s which we bought raisin walnut bread (fantastic!!!!!), chocolate soy nut butter, sun butter, clover honey,sesame almonds, sunflower seeds, whey protein powder (vanilla ice cream flavor) and something I have NEVER tried before BRIE CHEESE! Any ideas for how to use it? I heard it was yummy with fruit?
So after our elaborate shopping trip it was (my favorite)snack time! I was trying to think of something I really really wanted with some of our new foods and this was totally something i would have never made but i’m soooooo happy i listened to my body and made what i craved!
Yum….melty and warm raisin bread in the pan with chocolate soy nut butter, peanut butter, banana slices and cinnamon. Side of a vanilla ice cream protein shake! I felt like i made such a balanced and healthy snack. I was in love<3
After wards, i went back to sorting pictures which totally feels like the never ending pile! But at least it’s some way to constructively spend my time.
Then came dinner and I was sceptical about what i was going to eat because it felt so strange to be figuring out what i really wanted. But i took some time and since today was eating my favorites why not keep up the streak! I came up with…
Of course a sweet tater! I knew for a fact this is what i wanted and nothing was going to stop me from having this. I have never tried potatoes topped with anything but butter and cinnamon mostly but i wanted to try something a little different. I topped both side with butter but 1/2 with almond butter, soooo good! And the other half with white bean hummus. Side of a chicken stiryfry in chilli sesame oil.
Oh boy what a day! I really do feel fantastic about the way i look, feel and think about my body. My mom has been complimenting me about how much better I look and same with my dad. I feel like i have nothing to hide from them anymore. If anything, I enjoy showing them the accomplishments I am making and the struggles I am overcoming. I know that when I do what I’m supposed to do, great things will follow.
Enjoy the snowy weather! Out dress shopping tomorrow for soph hop!
Hey everyone today has been such a great day but this has to be a quicky post because our internet has been down all night and its almost 10 and i still have to make my snack. I wish i could inform of this amazing day in detail but ill give you all the general details and food was phenomenal<3
More Snow! My goodness i can not even believe it! When I woke up this morning I was extremely disappointed to see no snow outside, but all of the sudden by 7:00 am it was like a blizzard! Unfortunately we were not off from school but my mom wasn’t home to cook on my own so I had to make them myself and they were FABULOUS! I mixed the peanut thai sauce from dinner the other night into my eggs with green onions, spinach and sundried tomatoes. Also 2 more scrambled eggs with pumpkin, pumpkin spice, cinnamon, spinach and sundried tomatoes! Side of turkey ham and strawberry almond butter oatmeal which i was rushed out of the house so I couldn’t take a pic:(
During school, the snow was coming down so fast and hard, so they called a half dayy!! It was amazing but I was mad because we haven’t had play practice in like forever. I came home and had a scrumptious wrap with roasted pine nut hummus, chicken, garlic, green pepper, roasted red peppers and italian cheese. Best wrap ever.
Afterwards, instead of running around and cleaning like my ED would have told me to do, (and like my sister was doing), i went and continued to organize our baby pictures, which always seems to cheer me up:) I love looking at old time memories, the good old days! I was upset to notice my sister and I weren’t talking today and she never asked me to take a walk with her or anything, but that was her choice and i wish she could tell me what was wrong because my arms are wide open to help! I understand what shes going through but I can also understand why she doesn’t want to open up to me because her ED doesn’t want her to seem weak, but what she doesn’t know is by listening to her ED she is just getting so much weaker!
I ended up sorting pictures for almost 3 hours and time for snack! I wanted a real challenge and I possibly made the most delicious bowl of cereal on the planett! I normally always stick with the “safe” cereals, no sugar, lots of protein etc, but this bowl was full of carbs, cals and yummy sugggaa! But it was ALL healthy so Brooke what was there to fear?!?!
I was so proud of my snack and I had another unexpected challenge on the way. My mom invited me to members appreciation Day at LA fitness to join her in a pilaties class! I was ecstatic but not sure whether I should go or not but my mom told me I deserved it. That word meant so much to me because at that moment I began to realized she really has been noticing my progress, and yes, I did deserve to take some time for things I enjoy. I felt independent when I went because I stayed at my own pace, didn’t do all the exercise and felt not 1 oz of guilt! I realized that the further I get in recovery I will earn my privaleges back and introduce exercise back in a healthy manner. But today I felt totally accomplished and even though it was a low impact class I fulled up when I came home!
Ahh much better:). On the side my mom bought jalepano chedder cheese bread! It wasn’t whole wheat or anything and it was ammaaazzing! Ate this with roast beef, avocado, red roasted pepper, fresh tomato,velvetta and garlic.
Today was so much fun and today was probably the most accomplished I have felt. I feel like my mom really is starting to notice I am facing my fears and its time for ED to leave forever!
I hope all my lovies out there have had a fantastic day and enjoy playing out in the snow!
Dont forget to enter Chelseas chobani giveaway!