Archive for February, 2010

A bit of a breakdown

hey guys. I went shopping for dresses today for my sophomore dance and found a pretty cute one! Besides the fact I don’t have a date, I really want to be able to enjoy a school dance because i feel like my ED hasn’t really allowed me to have that real high school experience. I guess it was really difficult for me to try dresses on because i haven’t really seen myself with a “real” body in a long time. But I’m never like this!! I tried to embrace the fact I looked very healthy but it was hard with Ed yelling comments while I was staring in the dressing room mirror. Each time I would leave a store I tried to let go of the effect that I felt like my jeans were to tight etc.. I am recovering for a purpose. Even though my sister is still struggling and it really effects me, I have to continue to move forward in my recovery. I ignored the bad feelings and kept them all bottled up inside me which was defiantly not the best idea.

Check out Averie’s Naturally Nutty Giveaway!

Breakfast this morning was difficult to choose because I had so many ideas in my mind but Ed was forcing me to count. I did so well yesterday and remembered how GREAT it felt to not count or anything so i pushed Ed aside and went for one of my creations… forgot my eggs picture! 2 scrambled pumpkin eggs, 2 soy sesame eggs and 2 slices of turkey ham.

Oatmeal mixed with a melted banana(Thanks Vanilla Swirl It came out deliishh!) topped with vanilla almonds, melted hazlenut toffee chocolate and almond butter.

I guess after breakfast is where the feelings started to occur, I felt over whelmed because I had what I wanted but how come I’ve never felt like this before? Why was it all of the sudden so overwhelming

Off to the mall we went! Although I hate packing lunches and snacks on weekends, I really had no other choice but here was what I packed…

Mexican Salad, containing chicken cooked with chilli powder and garlic powder, lettuce,tomato, mexican cheese, sour cream mixed with salsa for a dressing. Side of new Whole Foods Chilli Lime tortilla chips with White Bean Hummus and Kalamata Olive Hummus (this stuffs amazing!)

Snack Packed:

Yogurt mixed with cottage cheese, raw oats,flax, walnuts, blueberries and cinnamon topped with coconut and almond butter (this tasted like a legit blueberry muffin!) Side of butter snap pretzels and cinnamon strudel crisps.

Into the mall the mall we went. They had some really cute stores but by far my favorite was Harry & Davids! I bought possibly the most interesting peanut butter EVER. Thai Ginger! It was freaking awesome! I tried all of the sample dips and my favorite was probably the pineapple chutney! It was sweet and spicy and scrumptious.

I’m not going to lie this was pretty spicy but I really enjoy the peanuts with an extra spice. I can’t wait to taste this with a chicken dish or something any ideas?

So after trying on about 1000 dresses and walking in the freezing cold we were all so cranky! My mom decided to take us home and I completely regret not buy this one dress I tried on. I actually felt confident in it compared to all the other dresses I tried on but I’m going to call tomorrow to see if I can get it shipped!

By the time we got home I was pretty hungry! Even after snacking on all of the dips and such on top of my meals I was happy to see there was still room left in me. So for dinner I made exactly what I craved.

Stuffed Chicken with whipped ricotta with an egg yolk and herbs. Eggplant dipped in the remainder of the egg. Then came the best part..

Yup, you got it ANOTHER sweet potato! I am officially obsessed. One half had cinnamon almond butter and butter but I had to try my new peanut butter so I topped the other half with Thai Ginger peanut butter and I was in heaven!

However, right after dinner I had a bazillion thoughts racing in my mind about calories, my sister, my body image and mostly ED’s deceitful ways. I feel like ED had forced me not to count calories because I am not getting in enough! I have been so happy and successful since I began recovery, so why let ED get to me this way.

I decided to go and take a stress relieving shower but all of the sudden I broke down. I stared at myself in the mirror and heard stupid comments running in my mind and I broke. I had to let this go, I couldn’t let ED stop me now, theres no way. Instead of  isolating myself I immediately ran to my #1 supporter, my mom. She helped me alot. Even though I had no idea what was wrong and neither did she, she talked me through it and made me realized how great I really am doing. She even told me that my father and her had discussed how much of an improvement they see in me and how happy they are to see my as their daughter again. For so long I felt like they had disowned me for what I was doing to myself, but now I realize they care and love me! I too am seeing my old happy lovong personalities come out in me again and at that moment, instead of letting ED get to me, this breakdown made me stronger. I realized how FAR I had come and how much FURTHER I have to go.

Life is a never ending journey, full of ups and downs. The only path that I choose is to move forward.



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Today is the day…

Today is THE day I can officially say I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, HOW much I wanted and feel 0% guilt. I did not count a single calorie, carb, fat or anything but instead i tasted and tried all of our new foods we bought(Trader Joes and Whole Foods!) on top of all my regular meals and snacks. I feel GREAT! I have never felt like this in such a long time, today I had no bloating, rashes, weird bowl movements. I feel like a whole different person. I was hungry and my body was craving specific foods and how could I deny that?

So I’ll start off with breakfast! We boiled turnips the other night and I figured I would make something different with my eggs and create a type of turnip hash.

Oh boy this was muy muy muy fabuloso! I thought of the hash idea from when i used to make sweet potato pinapple and ham hash yumm. This one contained diced ham, turnips, spinach, sundried tomatoes drzzled with olive oil and 2 dipped eggs on top. Egg omlet with spinach, sundried tomatoes and pumpkin:) Pumpernickel Bread ! my old time favorite one slice with cream cheese seasoned with garlic powder and the other with butter and cinnamon. Perfect for a snowy morning.

The snow was crazy today! So happy we had off from school and my sisters and I were able to play in the snow. My sister made a massive snow ball the size of like 3 people haha. It was lots of fun but then it started to get extremley windy so I went in to make lunch but unforuntaly the beauty went unpictured!

Lunch: 2 slices of Jalapeno Cheddar bread with velvetta, roast beef, fresh tomato, garlic and avocado. Side salad of cabbage, eggplant, bok choy and chicken with ginger and garlic.

After Lunch we went shopping! First we went to whole foods and I was soo excited! We bought so many delicious goodies such as Chobani, Genisoy cinnamon strudel and chocolate crisps (amazing!), Endangered Species mint chocolate bar and hazelnut toffee chocolate bars, Olive hummus, White Bean hummus,  10 pack of variety Think Thin bars! Next came Trader Joe’s which we bought raisin walnut bread (fantastic!!!!!), chocolate soy nut butter, sun butter, clover honey,sesame almonds, sunflower seeds, whey protein powder (vanilla ice cream flavor) and something I have NEVER tried before BRIE CHEESE! Any ideas for how to use it? I heard it was yummy with fruit?

So after our elaborate shopping trip it was (my favorite)snack time! I was trying to think of something I really really wanted with some of our new foods and this was totally something i would have never made but i’m soooooo happy i listened to my body and made what i craved!

Yum….melty and warm raisin bread in the pan with chocolate soy nut butter, peanut butter, banana slices and cinnamon. Side of a vanilla ice cream protein shake! I felt like i made such a balanced and healthy snack. I was in love<3

After wards, i went back to sorting pictures which totally feels like the never ending pile! But at least it’s some way to constructively spend my time.

Then came dinner and I was sceptical about what i was going to eat because it felt so strange to be figuring out what i really wanted. But i took some time and since today was eating my favorites why not keep up the streak! I came up with…

Of course a sweet tater! I knew for a fact this is what i wanted and nothing was going to stop me from having this. I have never tried potatoes topped with anything but butter and cinnamon mostly but i wanted to try something a little different. I topped both side with butter but 1/2 with almond butter, soooo good! And the other half with white bean hummus. Side of a chicken stiryfry in chilli sesame oil.

Oh boy what a day! I really do feel fantastic about the way i look, feel and think about my body. My mom has been complimenting me about how much better I look and same with my dad. I feel like i have nothing to hide from them anymore. If anything, I enjoy showing them the accomplishments I am making and the struggles I am overcoming. I know that when I do what I’m supposed to do, great things will follow.

Enjoy the snowy weather! Out dress shopping tomorrow for soph hop!

Love, Brooke

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Miss Independent

Hey everyone today has been such a great day but this has to be a quicky post because our internet has been down all night and its almost 10 and i still have to make my snack. I wish i could inform of this amazing day in detail but ill give you all the general details and food was phenomenal<3

More Snow! My goodness i can not even believe it! When I woke up this morning I was extremely disappointed to see no snow outside, but all of the sudden by 7:00 am it was like a blizzard! Unfortunately we were not off from school but my mom wasn’t home to cook on my own so I had to make them myself and they were FABULOUS! I mixed the peanut thai sauce from dinner the other night into my eggs with green onions, spinach and sundried tomatoes. Also 2 more scrambled eggs with pumpkin, pumpkin spice, cinnamon, spinach and sundried tomatoes! Side of turkey ham and strawberry almond butter oatmeal which i was rushed out of the house so I couldn’t take a pic:(

During school, the snow was coming down so fast and hard, so they called a half dayy!! It was amazing but I was mad because we haven’t had play practice in like forever. I came home and had a scrumptious wrap with roasted pine nut hummus, chicken, garlic, green pepper, roasted red peppers and italian cheese. Best wrap ever.

Afterwards, instead of running around and cleaning like my ED would have told me to do, (and like my sister was doing), i went and continued to organize our baby pictures, which always seems to cheer me up:) I love looking at old time memories, the good old days! I was upset to notice my sister and I weren’t talking today and she never asked me to take a walk with her or anything, but that was her choice and i wish she could tell me what was wrong because my arms are wide open to help! I understand what shes going through but I can also understand why she doesn’t want to open up to me because her ED doesn’t want her to seem weak, but what she doesn’t know is by listening to her ED she is just getting so much weaker!

I ended up sorting pictures for almost 3 hours and time for snack! I wanted a real challenge and I possibly made the most delicious bowl of cereal on the planett! I normally always stick with the “safe” cereals, no sugar, lots of protein etc, but this bowl was full of carbs, cals and yummy sugggaa! But it was ALL healthy so Brooke what was there to fear?!?!

Go Lean Crunch (Honey Almond Flax), Honey puffs and special K mix. Topped with walnuts, almonds, raisins, strawberries, blueberries, sliced banana and coconut!

Warm Vanilla Cinnamon Protein shake on top with drizzled french vanilla creamer. I think I just died and went to heaven 😉

I was so proud of my snack and I had another unexpected challenge on the way. My mom invited me to members appreciation Day at LA fitness to join her in a pilaties class! I was ecstatic but not sure whether I should go or not but my mom told me I deserved it. That word meant so much to me because at that moment I began to realized she really has been noticing my progress, and yes, I did deserve to take some time for things I enjoy. I felt independent when I went because I stayed at my own pace, didn’t do all the exercise and felt not 1 oz of guilt! I realized that the further I get in recovery I will earn my privaleges back and introduce exercise back in a healthy manner. But today I felt totally accomplished and even though it was a low impact class I fulled up when I came home!

Chicken, Bok Choy, Eggplant stirfry with soy sauce and black sesame seeds, Also more eggplant dipped in egg on the side. If you thought that was all your fooling yourself!

Ahh much better:). On the side my mom bought jalepano chedder cheese bread! It wasn’t whole wheat or anything and it was ammaaazzing! Ate this with roast beef, avocado, red roasted pepper, fresh tomato,velvetta and garlic.

Today was so much fun and today was probably the most accomplished I have felt. I feel like my mom really is starting to notice I am facing my fears and its time for ED to leave forever!

I hope all my lovies out there have had a fantastic day and enjoy playing out in the snow!



Dont forget to enter Chelseas chobani giveaway!

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Hola Chicas! Good Evening to you all and hope you ave had a fabulous Wednesday. The meaning of me posting today isn’t specifically about the food but my feelings about the environment i am in during my recovery. I am not saying that my beautiful house, supporting parents and loving siblings are the problem but mainly the relationship and competitiveness between Ashley and I. I feel as if our ED’s feed off of each other and when one is doing okay, the other is not. But when the one who is doing okay sees the other one fall behind, it can cause an immediate fall as well. Does that make sense? The problem i am having is seeing my sister struggle with her disorder, but I don’t know how to bring it to her attention because in her mind shes doing okay. I watch her throw out egg yolks, leave pieces of food on her plate and basically eat less then 1/4 a cup of beans for dinner and consider that okay? I hate the feeling that my recovery will fall behind because when i first started to realize i wanted to get better, she told me that i would feel the terrible when i almost reach my goal weight which was the point she was at. Now she has lost weight and maintained for about 4 months. I hate to “focus” on my sister all the time because i really feel like it effects my recovery. She has nothing to do with my recovery and is like every single other eating disordered person  and all i have to say is that it is her fault she is doing this to herself. I have given her the words of wisdom and asked her so many questions on how i could help but her response is always “I’m Fine.” I can not let her faults affect me in any way, all im here to do is support her, but ED feels like he can’t sit back and watch. I have been struggling with these feelings for over  month I feel like its just starting to take tole on me. Will I allow myself to fall backwards, after I’ve come so far?

I DID NOT let these thoughts effect my eating for now, I want to do the right thing! I have to for myself and my family, so in order to fight these thoughts away, and not focus on my sister, I had to fight against ED. One of my biggest fears during anorexia was eating “sugar”, not refined but even natural. Anything that had over like 2 grams was eliminated. Now I have come soooo far, for example breakfast!  Time for more challenges…

I had my usual eggs, but still my fav:). 2 scrambled with pumpkin, turnips, spinach and sun dried tomatoes. Other 2 scrambled eggs with italian seasonings and same as previous veggies but added red roasted peppers. 2 slices of turkey ham as well

Oatmeal this morning, inspired by Molly! Thanks lovie for your great idea, and added some of my own twists on the classics..

Banana stove top oats  with REGULAR skim milk mixed with vanilla pudding mix, raisins, buttloooadss of cinnamon, vanilla extract, vanilla bean almonds topped with pb:) Thanks Molly it was great! Except I have one question how should i bring our the banana flavor because i could hardly taste it?

I know this didn’t seem like a big challenge but i felt proud in some ways because i did not feel one sense of guilt. Normally i would use my “protein” cereal and make them like oats but instead i decided to go for the real stuff.Oh yeahh. And now i absolutely ADORE raisins! They fabulllooouss.

My classes in school today were very laid back which i was so happy about, were supposed to get more snow as well! Crazy weather. Lunch was unpictured sorry:( It was the leftovers from dinner last night, pad thai, my new fav. With a side of Tuscan herb pita chips. I had a fun atmosphere during lunch because i sat with a bunch of friends and we had normal teenage conversations. It felt great to feel like a kid again!

I didn’t have play practice today so ate my snack at home, and i was starving! I listened to my hunger and ate what i wanted, which i am surprisingly starting to get really good at. Even though I did NO exercise today which i am also proud of I added an extra 100 calories to my meal plan!! WOOHOO! My hunger signals  have been getting stronger so I had to listen!

Yoplait Greek Yogurt mixed with cinnamon and maple syrup, topped with crushed butter snap pretzels, go lean crunch, almonds, blueberries and Peanut butter! Had an unpictured English muffin on the side with loads of almond butter, cinnamon, sliced banana and strawberry jelly, a squirt of honey as well! Go suuggaa! But all healthy of course 😉

After my snack, I watched my sister take the dog on a walk and didnt even ask me to go. I figured I would let her ED take control of her and instead I chatted with my momma and spent time organizing photo albums in my room. While I was looking at the old time pictures, I remembered my mom telling my sister and I before we went into Renfrew That we destroyed the healthy babies she born us to be and how hard she worked to get us a beautiful life, we never had to go into the hospital before now. I never cried so hard the day she told me that and my mom is a huge inspiration for me to change. She is another main reason that I believe I am not stuck in my disorder. She has words of encouragement whenever I need it, and brings to my attention when I am not doing something right. I can be open to her about anything and I believe our relationship has guided me to the right path in life. So as I sat looking at those pictures, the thoughts I have been having all month about falling backwards, will never happen. I love the way I am and how I feel about myself. I may look down and see a tummy but ITS A CUTE TUMMY! ❤

Dinner was something I have been waiting to try and I am glad I did. I made a wrap filled with provolone and italian cheeses with steak, chicken roasted fennel, eggplant and sun dried tomatoes. Side of turnips and extra chicken. It was soo good!

My sister Danielle and I chatted during dinner and now i am about to make some raw vegan cookie dough balls for snack! I have seen so many fabulous recipes but im thinking chocolate chips crumbled onto of cottage cheese with granola, chocolate pudding, nuts, coconut and pb? I’ll post a pic later!

I love you allllll! Be prepared for the snow, hopefully we will have off from school tomorrow:) In my dreams of course haha.



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Explosion of Flavors!

Hey heyy heyy! As you can tell i am in a delighted mood this evening:). I just feel as if today was a REAL challenge for ED and to test if i am truly ready to give him up. Today was weigh in day and momma says i am doing well:) I am proud that i never let the results of the weigh in effect of what my delicous eats were as planned for today, and some unexpected. I challenged myself with foods i fear along with challenges within “calories” of a meal. I knew i was hungry so why not listen! haha. In addition, I had a honors bio exam today and i was pleased to feel that i had done very well! I studied alot and am no longer destracted by having to focus on food all the time. I want to have a sucessful future  along with a healthy lifestyle and thier must be balance. I love finding new foods and flavors but thiers a time for work and a time for play and i really find myself becoming more balanced as more parts of ED are being taken away from my life.

And so the challenges begin! First runner up was breakfast!

Of course blog inspired i made a green smoothie! It was alright i think i might have messed up the recipe a bit but i would definatly try it agaiin! What’s your favorite green smoothie recipe?

Mine consisted of 1 cup of coymilk blended with 3 ice cubes, strawberries, 1/2 a banana, flax seed, 1/2 cup of cooked spinach, 1/2 scoop of chocolate whey protein powder and dash of cinnamon. I poured some of this mixture ontop of my cereal and topped with walnuts. Also, i had a side of 4 scrmabled eggs with veggies and 2 slices of turkey ham. I will definatly try a green smoothie recipe again but my mother and i are going out to get new protein powder so any suggestions would be great!

Lunch was a bit plain but yummy at the least! Also, i never used to add falvor to ANY of my foods. I am soo happy that i have added a variety of flavors back into my diet and get to taste so many different foods!

Marinated balsamic steak salad with tuscan herbed pita chips and pine nut hummus! I used to hate hummus but that word is no longer in my vocabulary for any food! Hummus is one of my new favoite flavours and there are so many kinds to choose from!

I had play practice today which was lots of fun. I am glad to have a hobby that i enjoy that is not based around exercise or food but just enjoying singing and dancing. I never thought of myself to be good at either but i enjoy entertaining people and putting on a good production. Meeting new people is a plus as well:)

Snack was a challenge becuase i ate what i really wanted and ate more than 2 carbs in one meal! And i have to admit, it was the best snack i have had in Suchhh a long time!

Packed a toasted english muffin with strawberry cream cheese, cinnamon, sliced strawberries with almond butter on the other half 😉 You all must try this! its fantastic!

The other half of my snack included 1/2 cup of cinnamon cottage cheese mixed with go lean, brown sugar almonds, sliced strawberries and walnuts. Who  can ever have enough cinnamon and strawberries!

After practice, i was thinking about making some type of wra or such for dinner but i had a huge challenge waiting for me at home! My mom had cooked up one of the meal i have been waiting dying to try forever. Pad Thai! Initally, ED freaked out and told me that the noodles were too much blahblahblah but then i told myself i have come to far to let Ed stop me having the meal i have been waiting for and i am SOOOO glad i tried it becuase it really should be called Perfection On a Plate;)

Sorry kind of a bad pic!

Cabbage, carrots, bok choy and onions sauteed in sesame chilli oil. Chicken and steak diced in the crockpot with mom’s “peanut butter sauce”, not sure what she put in it but who cares! Perfectly complimented with Udon Noodles! I dont even think they were whole wheat but they surley were delishhh!

I was so proud after that i even packed the leftovers for tomorrows lunch! I was happy that my mom made this becuase i wanted to show myself that i really can eat whatever i want and i will NO LONGER let ED control my life!

Snack, i tried this the other night and i was in love<3

1/3 cup of pumpkin microwaved with almond butter, smeared onto of cottage cheese mixed with cinnamon, kashi cinnamon cereal, honey, coconut, sunbutter and raisans! My new favorite!

I hope everyone has had a terrific tuesday!

Questions: Are overnight oats eaten hot or cold? What’s your favorite oatmeal flavor? The first question might be stupid im not sure but i always wanted to make them but not ure what to do?


xoxo Brooke

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Hello Beautiful Bloggers ;). This weekend has gone by too quickly! This is my (Ashley) first time writing in so long! I have huge news that im sure Brooke already shared, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Yes finally I look like someone of the opposite sex, a girl! Hah, i cant even explain how nice, cute, genuine, caring, sweet, funny, and fantastic he is. He makes me so happy. His name is Kyle and he is absoultly perfecccct! He is 2 years older than me (senior im a sophmore) and he is so mature and respects me! Anyways, he came over for valentines days and we watched saw 5! It was so scary hah but we had a great time. Since then we’ve been texting till 3 in the morning and hanging out any time we can (: I wish you guys could meet him! Hah. This is a huge accomplishment for me because latley I have been feeling so self concious but he constantly reminds me of how beautiful I am and immediatly the ED voices disapear. He makes me realize I am truly beautiful and I can be normal again. Besides Kyle, my parents have been on my case about my eating. They constantly think I am not eating enough even though I could have a 4 course meal sitting in front of me! Its so frusterating! Ive been eating what i want when i want and i want to get this gaining weight proccess over with and for some reason they dont believe me! They think im just becoming comfortable in my disorder no matter how hard I try. This has been making me so upset and depressed when kyle or brooke arent around. When i have noone to talk to my dad will say things about my eating and they constantly put me down which makes me feel horrible! Also now that swim season is over, I am not allowed ANY excersise until i get over 100 (+2lbs). During the weekend I dont mind no excersise because I can just hang out with y family and friends and i have distractions but during the week ED SCREAMS! When I get home I’m like a robot, clean this, scrub that, go upstairs for this, squat down for that. He rewires and controls every part of my brain. I cant stand it he makes me crazy! I havent been loosing weight or gaining, just fluctuating up and down even though ive been eating a weight gain diet. I have been enjoying some lovley eats that I need to update you guys on!

This my friends, is pure beauty!

hah this was a chobani mixed with banana dark chocolate chips and

dark chocolate almonds topped with melted almond/peanut butter

ontop is coconut and maple syrup

on the sides is 1/2 a chocolate vita top and a mixed of honey sunshine and warm cinnamon cereal

haha i know so many things in one bowl! it was so beyond delicious!

hah this is me in the mall with silly glasses! ❤

i have more updates later, im off to make my lunch!

love you girls have a great sunday, be back lataaaaa!

Hey hey ladiies! This sunday was a big challenge for me because my parents weren’t home all day! Normally, my mom makes me my eggs in the morning and encourages me to eat different foods during the day, so today was very different. But.. i did it! I reached my calorie goal probably a little over, and didn’t even attempt to make any of my “anorectic” concoctions. I did have a weird feeling this morning because i woke up thinking about what i could make that i would normally never make around my parents but then I totally realized that was stupid ED talking and he was not going to let me fail. I wanted to show myself that I can eat normally even without the supervision of my parents.I never really thought they had that much of an impact on my recovery and the foods i eat but i have now realized how big of a part they really effect me! I never want to set myself up for failure so i was determined to not let myself down. So here is how the eats went for today…

I couldn’t capture a picture of my eggs but i cooked them perfectly with butter and everything! They were perrrfecct! I decided on making new eggs so i concocted cinnamon vanilla eggs with strawberry and raspberry jelly (inspired by Maggie!) along with 2 more eggs scrambled with italian bistro cheese, roasted pine nut hummus and veggies, side of 2 slices of turkey ham. These were fantastic and something new for a change. I always love mixing up my egg recipes Whats your favorite?

Made something new with my breakfast cereal as well! I was an experimental mood today as you can tell ;). I pulled together my own version of a banana split, but could use some revision. 1 cup of breakfast cereal with 1 cup of soy milk mixed with french vanilla coffee cremer. I microwaved this for about 30 second then added strawberry powder flavoring (next time i would totally use regular strawberries but were all out!). Then i added 1/2 scoop of vanilla whey protein powder, microwaved again for about another 30 seconds. Finally, topped with banana pudding and garnished with dark chocolate almonds! Lovley, next i will probably add something like pistachios and a nut butter to give it more flavor! and some melted banana! mhmmmm!

My meal continued to get 10x yummier throughout the day, haha. For lunch i sauteed chicken with garlic and herbs seasonings and ate that with some green peppers and onions drizzled with a bit of hot sauce and dash of cinnamon.

Then came the good part. I made a new sandwich that i thought about all morning. On pumpernickel bread i cut slices of velvetta cheddar cheese, avocado, red roasted pepper, tomato, garlic seasonings a few onions and thinly sliced steak with more velvetta:) Fried in the pan with a tad bit of butter, phenomenal<3

Afterwards, Ashley and I went out on a walk with the dogs. It is still SO snowy out so we could hardly even walk anywhere! We ended up taking the dogs to the park because thats where my dog loves to run free. In a weird way, my dog always reminds me of how free i can become if i can do the things i have to do in life, rewards will come. Like after my dog barks at the door to go potty she gets a treat. After i get “rid” of my eating disorder, i will be able to live life freely and not have to worry about food or exercise, i can be free.

Anyway Ashley and I had fun throwing snow balls at each other but it defiantly wasn’t good to walk in the mud but we laughed it off 🙂 In the afternoon I also did some play practicing. Its possibly one of my favorite hobbies besides painting! I enjoy acting so much but only on a small scale like being a dancer or a background singer because i love to watch the real actors play thier roles it is really so interesting. After practicing it was times for some refueling.


Sorry for the yucky photo! But it was surely a scrumptious snack! I mixed together 3/4 cup of cottage cheese with 1 TBSP of coco powder then mixed with dark chocolate and mint chocolate chips, chocolate almonds, mixed kashi cereals, 1/4 of a banana and peanut butter filled pretzels! Yummmoo, but afterward i was still a bit hungry I had a slice of cinnamon raisin  toast with peanut butter, honey, extra raisins and cinnamon. Best toast ever.

Dinner was unpictured but i had steak, a buttery cinnamonyy luscious sweet potato and roasted fennel and onions!

I have been having this werid feeling latley about the amount I am eating. Its around 3000 but i often still feel hungry and like i could be eating much more? I’m really not sure what to do because i want to restore my body to the fullest but i feel like i am already gaining enough weight so why bother? This has been on my mind for several days now and im just not sure about what to do. Any suggestions?

Love you all and have a fantastic monday! Back to school :/



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Busy Busy Bees

Hey ladies, sorry i haven’t been able to post all week! So busy with school and play practice my life has been hectic. I hope everyone is doing well, i have been facing many new experiences this week. First off, the spring is coming which includes spring sports, lacrosse my favorite! I was very skeptical about joining and made sure i had everyone’s opinions before i am going to make a decision. Lacrosse last year was one of my worst memories during anorexia. Hardly had any energy, always exhausted and hungry. But ED kept me going and told me i had too run my fastest and eat the least as i could. Unfortunately, this was the point in my disease when my family began noticing and my dad really got on me about my eating. However, the family was focused more on my sister and figured that since I was an “okay” weight then i should be fine. That’s where things began going down hill….  But this year, things will be different. I feel that since my recovery began on the new year that i would have to make this entire year “new.” New foods, new fears, new challenges new friends all new! I have been working very hard on the food part and now its time for new challenges, lacrosse. I want to make sure ED is left at ;east 90% behind before i start to put myself into that kind of situation where my health could be at risk. This week i will be reviewing it with my doctor and ask for his opinions but i would love to hear from you girls as well!

Speaking of new challenges, even though i have been setting up challenges and facing them everyday i want to take my recovery another step further. I try to eat different foods everyday but it’s basically always the same “healthy” foods. I don’t really count all of the macronurtients like carbs, sugars and stuff, but ED has let me know when i have a “high” sugar/carb food that the next meal has to be lighter. I want to get rid of the thoughts that ED makes me feel likei have to eat ALL healthy food. Yes, I LOVE to eat healthy and i always have but even in the healthy zone i would love to set up new challenges.I want to ask you all for help and see what you would like to try me challenge in my meal plan! Any dishes that you have enjoyed and that you have recently challenged your ed with? I want to feel free and like any food choice i make is okay, even if its not the healthiest.

So this week has been pretty sucessful in the kichen making fun and delishhh foodies! I’ll start off with breakfasts this week….

Best Sandwich everr!

Homemade cinnamon raisan bread spread with peanut butter, almond butter, banana and drizzled honey! Had this two times this week and lovee it every time:) What’s your favorite sandwich fillings?

This morning was my own version of a carmel nut brownie bar! I made chocolate oats with a dash of cinnamon. Topped with caramel oskios, banana slices and crushed chocolate roasted almonds. Verdict: Needed more chocolate but veryy tasty!

Vanilla protein cereal. This was sooo tasty! Never thought that protein powder and cereal would mix well but it was amaazing. Mixed 1 cup of Special K with 1 cup of soymilk, 1/2 scoop of vanilla protein powder, banana slices and crushed vanilla sugar almonds.

Lunches, Discovered some new favorites….

All week for lunch i had this wrap which is SOOO deliciousss! I had a whole wheat wrap stuffed with chicken or turkey seasoning with garlic and herb, italian cheese blend, roasted red peppers, lettucs and LOADS of pine nut hummus! You have to try this.

The weekends are my FAVORITE time to make hot lunches so i always treat myself to a warm sandwich. Today was pumpernickel bread stuffed with sharp provolone (best cheese ever), avocado, red peppers, sauteed onions, thin chicken slice and spices. Perfection;).

Also added a side of chicken and green pepper mix with mexican spices, yumm.

Snacks: Tried new things this week like a pure bar! And i ate the WHOLE thing, i know it doesn’t seem like a big deal but i guess everyone has their little accomplishments and this was defiantly one for me. It was a great bar too and i really enjoyed it. Also i made my PISTACHIO PUDDING!! You all must try this pudding it is like heaven mixed into just about everything!

Today was cottage cheese mixed with pistachio pudding, kashi mixed cereals, peanut butter pretzels, chocolate almonds, peanuts and cashews. On the side i had an unpictured slice of raisin bread with peanut butter, sugar, cinnamon and honey! It couldn’t wait another minute to be eaten! ❤

Chobani yogurt mixed with peanut butter. Topped with kashi mixed cereals and chocolate brownie pure bar. This was great!

Evening snack = drool worthy! I’m getting hungry just looking at this beauty! haha this was defiantly difficult to get myself to eat but it just sounded so darn good! I had about 3/4 cup of cottage cheese mixed with mother loads of pumpkin, kashi cereals, sliced banana and drizzled sunbutter. Then dum dum dummm… a waffle! buttered and added some chocolate chips to make my own chocolate chip waffle! SOO good!

This week has been hectic but try my hardest to stay on track. The play is getting tougher and tougher as we move forward but i seem to be handling the progress very well. I have to tell you all an interesting story tomorrow so stay tuned!

❤ always and forever,



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